So... I'm cruising Dominick's beer aisle, thirsty, but undecided on the quencher.
I notice a name I don't recognize, read the cheap price, & sold!
I can be a snob, but I also know that pricey isn't always better... Usually, but not always.
Five bottles in... Tamer flavor of Honey Brown (the known variety)...
For the price... I've had worse.
I met him one night when I was at the local hangout. We were both a little drunk, me probably more so... There was so much I liked about him. In the morning he had to go & I felt the rush... When he didn't offer his number I figured it was just a fun night.
I'm working on being less relationship driven... Seems to go wrong too often... Maybe I want too much.
So... When he offers no contacts I don't either.
I chalk it up to just another too bad...
A few months later I've seen him out a few times... We've talked... We've left seperately.
I still like him, but I can't be weak forever, right? I play the cool card.
One night E's there. She meets him, & is smitten... We chat at a table til she has to leave. That night he & I spend another night together.
I feel like there was more sharing, but I was pretty schloshed... That night's not as good, but well spent.
In the AM I just feel hungover & awkward... Second mistake?
We're back to playing cool with each other.
Then last night...
A tiny hug, then kiss on my neck, an admission. One I promptly returned...
Earning a lingering kiss...
All this time & the truth feels late & sad... Wasted moments... Confusion...
All the times E asked about him, & I didn't bother to know...
A few text msgs later I find out we've likely both been on the same page, but unaware.
I'm supposed to take him on a real date... Strange how things go sometimes...
All day he's been wriggling my toes...
Yesterday he was restless...
& now... A new move...
I flirted with a simian, & got the number of the could've been...
There's a good idea... Hehe
I'm restless so I buy the giant caféchino slurpee...
I had to get out of my apartment... Be out in the air or something...
I vaguely want a frozen coke, but that's not the real motivation...
I think I just felt like rambling... Sometimes that's a physical, & sometimes it's a brain build-up...
So I'll wander over to the Loyola 7Eleven & let the mind & legs both wander...
I think I'm spending too much time in my head... Disconnected from others too much...
Now... Here I am walking the streets @ 3AM, asking myself what's up...
I think it just feels better to be moving sometimes. Don't know how deeply I want to explore that thought.
Maybe I have restless leg syndrome? Maybe I'm bouncing off the walls mentally, & this physically calms it?
There's a piece of it... I have "This Is Your Life" by Switchfoot repeating in my brain. 'Are you who you want to be?'
It's really more like, 'Do you know who you want to be?' I have pictures, ideas, shadows... But I don't find them inspiring... I'm not changing.
How do you know when you've reached the point where you just can't help you?
This is my buddy Charles & I. We're on our way to "rescue" his straight friend who went home with this fag&hag from the bar.
They called claiming trouble...
Charles & I went to rescue him, when really... The hag's fag just wanted company...
I walk home in a cloud of annoyance.
Why ruin my night out? Just say you want Charles to come over. Then I can stay & enjoy my night...
Okay... So I work with this guy... He's a het, & that's cool. He likes to play gay to get a reaction though.
My gaydar has never really beeped on him.
However, most gay men have the...
'oh, he's gay' voice. I think it's a weird survival mechanism. It often makes people stalk Tom Cruise & out that orange cat that always exited stage left...
That voice in me claims he wants the dick at least once... My seeker says, that's not it.
Tonight a duo of hets passed & a strange thought occurred to me...
What if he was merely a straight man who could easily & uninhibitedly profess his male bonding physically?
I'll revisit in the sober morning...
Okay... I just walked past this 20+ dude sucking his thumb. WTF??
Pre-thumb: "Oh shit! Is that dude in a gang?!"
Passing: "Huh? Really?"
It's not like I live in the hood. If someone were to jack me, I would be amazed. If the dude jacked me sucking his thumb... Well... I would die laughing...
Why am I out?
I just couldn't take being at home any more...
The real question is:
Why the fuck is the bar any better?
If you've dropped into this blog a few times you've likely noticed I get a lot of ideas from social sites.
Something I see or read sticks, and grows into something that usually winds up on here...
The world of cyberspace is a lot of things: A virtual playground, an oulet for the subconcious, a bridge spanning the world, a tool for connectivity.
One thing it isn't, is a beacon of truth.
You can find truth, sure, but fantasy roams free as well. Perhaps even more freely since there are so few limitations to the written word. A picture may speak a thousand words, but a caption can easily change half of them.
What I've noticed with dating, which almost anyone who is, does after a while, is that it becomes a game of interpretations & strategy.
Every fact you learn about a person is a piece of a puzzle, in the end, a half you hope can fit yours. That's if you've been honest with one another. & surely everyone is...
As I'm writing this I'm beginning to see the tangent paths stretch out endlessly... Forgive me if I run off following one.
What spurred this entry is a recent rash of hotties sending me messages.
Disclaimer: I don't think I'm ugly. I'm a good-looking guy. I'm not fat, but I'm certainly not thin or muscular either. I've settled on stocky. Hehe /disclaimer
I've added that because I wanted to cast some light on my response to those messages.
I do assume they're going to reject me eventually. If you've been gay for more than a day or two, then you know that superficiality has quite the influence in our actions.
Generally speaking, of course. This makes my response less about self-esteem, & more about a learned response. This is not to say that I don't have self-esteem issues, just that they're not any worse than most peoples.
All that said, I've recently had a lot of guys messaging me, but not the type of guys that usually do. These are more the hottie types. This is hardly a problem. Hehe
It's just getting over that learned response so that I'm not the one inadvertently being the jerk.
In an effort to do that I was exploring what I see as important traits I look for, & what I see the hotties looking for.
Now, I tend to respond to personality & looks only matter a little. Quite a few of the hottie types only respond to the superficial qualities.
That difference made me think, then I began to wonder about the cause of those differences...
A what if?
What would I look for if I were a hottie type?
I thought it over & decided I would likely still want the same things, because I had learned to appreciate what I consider important traits. I'm sure the extra attention would be nice, but I doubt I'd respond to people who only liked me for surface reasons.
Then my learned response mechanism occurred to me. Would I think differently if I'd never learned to appreciate more?
I'm sounding a little self-important, as if I'm enlightened, & know all. I don't feel that way really, but I do think I have the right idea about what qualities are good.
Okay... Off that tangent-
When you're shy, or chubby, or whatever, you're told how people will love you for your personality.
When you're hot, a majority of people respond to that, without noticing your personality right away, if at all.
Could those different experiences cause people to subconciously appreciate different aspects in others?
I think so.
Of course, I realize that not every hottie or everyday joe appreciates the same traits. I'm speaking to a generalized, & I believe, majority view.
So... What did I do with these new notions?
I decided to give the next hottie who messaged & seemed interesting a chance.
Strangely... I do.
I met this guy online. Pics show a hot bod. I'm completely intimidated. We agree to meet at a mutually close bar.
The whole time I'm convinced he's gonna look at me & think, 'Oh, a fatty.'
He's balding so shaves his head, which looks good on some...
He arrives, and I'm just hoping he's quick with the turn-down. He's good-looking, but not someone I would go for.
We converse. I feel overbearing & verbose, and that only increases as I realize he's responding more & more to me.
Weirdly, the more I'm disinterested, the more he seems interested. I didn't let on that I wasn't into him though; Didn't want to hurt his feelings.
Plus, the conversation was great. It could be because I felt so take-charge. Hehe... Or that I monopolized the conversation.
Strange how things turn out sometimes...