4 posts tagged “hope”

Okay... Adult magic does suck. Its CGI all the way.
I was too quick to post though. By the end, all satire & symbolisn faded. I was just a kid lost in an adventure. What if it really could happen...?
Maybe magic is more about where you start, & less about how the 'real' world fails.

Early Judgement: Time Bandits

I know you don't find love when you're looking for it. You usually recreate the facts around something to make it fit. I've done that, & I'm pretty good at recognizing the signs now... Hehe.
I'm not so much down about not having someone... It's something I'd like to find, but I still mostly believe it'll come along in time.
It's just that I'm not really meeting friends either. I'm turning into a hermit. When I go out to the bar I watch the Tv screen... That's a bad sign, right?
I feel like I'm internalizing too much. That would be fine if I was working on me stuff, but I'm not. I'm just sort of bowing out of the world it seems...
So... I figure I need to find a hobby. Maybe something social so I can meet people...

Pondering what to do...

I can't! I can't! I just can't!
So... 2 weeks ago I meet this hot guy out... We make-out... Grope... Good to go on all cylinders...
My place is trashed so we agree that he'll call the next day for lunch with "dessert".
He doesn't call... Disappointing, but not my first time at the rodeo, right?
Tonight... All over me again... I play frostbite, looking for the why...
I've been married 15 years... Is the why. He knows I play, he can join, all the BS one expects...
I wanted to be okay with it. He was hot, his husband didn't care, but it was all me...
I cared... It's all I could do...
Yes... I wanted him... His cock, his ass...everything. I even believe his husband knew I was there...
All the same I only wanted to run...
I felt like I was tempting the flames of hell, though we're doomed from the first pole we smoke as I understand most beliefs...
So I ran... I feel good, yet still lost...

Running away...

I've been spending a lot of time on this personals site. You set-up your profile... Yada yada...
They also have forums... This is the true plus of the site. You can learn a lot about the surface of a guy by what he writes in a profile, & what he doesn't...
In the forums though you can see how he thinks, what he thinks... You see the echo of what he sends out into the world. Even if the topic is silly it can be revealing. More & more I'm thinking of that echo I send out...
Maybe its an age thing, maybe a maturity level I'm orbiting...
I'm feel myself getting more philosophical, & somewhat whimsical even.
This change is not what inspired me for this entry... Instead:
One guy shared something that his recently deceased BF had written, a beautiful message of true optimism
that brought tears to my eyes...
It made me happy that such hope shined out there, such love...
And it made me feel guilty for not writing more myself.
This is strange as I am not an optimist... I hope for the best, but I believe in the odds... That makes me a realist, I think.
Strangely, I'm often worried that people will read this & think poorly of me... Instead, I think I should try to share what he did... A spark of hope that lit in me...