12 posts tagged “gay”

Tonight I am drunk enough that truth runs like wine, & the pen sweeps freely 'cross the page...
These are the words of a troubled heart freed by spirits of its secrecy.
Funny how the truth I try to hide is so easily read upon my face.
I'm leaving the bar again alone. Granted, there were virtually no men I could have, or would...
Not one man hit on me tonight, nada. This has become routine...
Now... I know I'm not a stud, I'm not young... I am attractive however. I try to send out good vibes...
*shrug
The voice of reason says get a grip; it's a bar scene. This certainly has some bearing... Yet...

Expectations & Truths...

That's a prevelant question often asked in gay dating or simple sexual interactions...
I have a friend who hates being asked if he's a top or a bottom.
I didn't really get that until recently. It's begun to bug me as well...
I understand the idea of preference; Makes total sense.
I just feel that so many GLBTs posture. Whether to appease a societal view or a partner.
When I look at my desires... I want to share myself with another person sexually. To me, this means share everything. Why limit what I experience? All things within reason...
This question has come to seem 2-dimensional in its view to me... Preferences aside, I think this is greatly an attempt to normalize our roles into heterosexual viewpoints. That helps our relationships make sense to them, & that's not a bad thing...exactly.
I hope as we begin to fit into mainstream society more, we don't lose sight of our cultural, psychological, & even physical differences that are inherent to homosexuality.
We should aspire to inclusion (not acceptance), but that inclusion should not require homogenization.

I know you don't find love when you're looking for it. You usually recreate the facts around something to make it fit. I've done that, & I'm pretty good at recognizing the signs now... Hehe.
I'm not so much down about not having someone... It's something I'd like to find, but I still mostly believe it'll come along in time.
It's just that I'm not really meeting friends either. I'm turning into a hermit. When I go out to the bar I watch the Tv screen... That's a bad sign, right?
I feel like I'm internalizing too much. That would be fine if I was working on me stuff, but I'm not. I'm just sort of bowing out of the world it seems...
So... I figure I need to find a hobby. Maybe something social so I can meet people...

Pondering what to do...

I can't! I can't! I just can't!
So... 2 weeks ago I meet this hot guy out... We make-out... Grope... Good to go on all cylinders...
My place is trashed so we agree that he'll call the next day for lunch with "dessert".
He doesn't call... Disappointing, but not my first time at the rodeo, right?
Tonight... All over me again... I play frostbite, looking for the why...
I've been married 15 years... Is the why. He knows I play, he can join, all the BS one expects...
I wanted to be okay with it. He was hot, his husband didn't care, but it was all me...
I cared... It's all I could do...
Yes... I wanted him... His cock, his ass...everything. I even believe his husband knew I was there...
All the same I only wanted to run...
I felt like I was tempting the flames of hell, though we're doomed from the first pole we smoke as I understand most beliefs...
So I ran... I feel good, yet still lost...

Running away...

I just read a post by a guy who was disappointed in dating, & blamed it on the shallowness of men... There's some truth there...
I have only myself to blame however; For I am a pussy.
I feared this to be true, & last night I proved it to myself. There was an attractive guy, clearly giving me the eye & I did nothing.
Leaving the bar I glance inside the taqueria next door, & there he is again. He smiled & gave me a wave.
I kept walking, then berated myself for being a coward. I turned around & went inside, trying to look casual as I placed my order.
Our eyes met several times, but still I pussed out. Then to add to it... His order comes up & he & his two friends sit at the table right next to me.
I wait quietly for my food, then leave without saying anything...
I glance back in the window, & he waves to me. I wave shyly back & go home to eat my quesadilla alone.
This is why I'm single.

Bust a Move!Or be single forever...

So... Here at the 'mo bar...again...
I'm cruising guys... Guys are cruising me...
And I leave... There are guys I could have tonight... Maybe even tomorrow...
But... I leave... I'll hate that its just me, but I'll leave alone...
Sadly, I still believe there's this guy who i'll meet... The one...the one...
God damn... That sounds so fucking stupid!
it echoes & I want to slap myself.
I'm 31 & I still believe in the Prince Charming myth...
I mean...seriously...I still believe... Its certifiable!
There's a guy who's perfect for me? What am I? Barbie?
I'm confounded, honestly. I'm so cynical, yet I truly believe there's this guy sort of hovering in the ether...waiting for me...
I'm confused now because I don't know whether I'm a cynic or a hopeless romantic...
I didn't think they could be so close to one another...
I'm a cynic... I know I am... Ask my friends...
Yet I believe this guy will walk up to me & i'll fall...

So... I've been sort of silent lately... A mixed bag...
I'm single... I'm gay... I'm 31... it often looks hopeless... Who wants to be the drag? I haven't been depressed exactly... More like a lasting case of the Mondays. Hehe

Fuck!
How thin can beer make a person's blood?
So... If you're new here... I go out after pre-cocktailing often... I am often surprised by being drunk in the pix... & I edit them to make myself look better. Judge my inebriation from this info...
I'm just looking to wake tomorrow with a feeling of fun last night. Is that wrong?
I want to date a guy I can't, hoping he's what I think he could be.
I want to fuck a guy I think is only a charicature. I don't want him to be anything more unless he is more beyond what I can see.
Both entice me equally because I am so essentially lost...
Wow! I hate the connection to my candor that alcohol makes... Yet I feel free of needless weight. I'm following the flow of my cock...
Only one guy can catch my heart, but he's not feeling me. He's feeling him. Maybe he knows that...

Geez... It's cold out here...

So I finally got around to watching this flick.
I'm kind of torn. It was a cute movie, & I know it wasn't made in a mean spirit. Yet, I feel a little annoyed by it. I'm unsure of why though.
I feel offended, but its a detached feeling. Usually when I feel offended there's a passionate response. This is more of a vague unease.
Yet it occurs to me to kind of like the film, & beware the cynicism, because if our shaky rights can be taken advantage of then they exist.
I feel as if I haven't explained this well, but that's how vague I feel.

Chuck & Larry

Nah... Not what I'm into... Though they do indeed, deserve love too.
It's the bar I'm off to this fine Saturday night. I've been keeping this dude waiting for my arrival, though I doubt he's really waiting that intently... Hehe.
I feel like being out & having some fun, & I know that responsibly... I should be a shut-in.
I'm just not good at it. The only thing that keeps me doing the 9-5 thing, I often fear, is that it occasionally allows me to enjoy the simple joys in life. Beer to drown the sorrows, darts to feel good at something, & boys to ogle... Wow! I am simple!
I truly can't function if I work, work, work, just so other people gain...
Damn these working man blues! Hehe

Big Chicks...