I just sent my ex a letter written in my rambling prose...
It could be a mistake, it could be brilliant... Seamus hit send either way.
Part of me is glad becaise I think beneath the loneliness there is more to my missing him, & part is terrified that there isn't & I've just sent an emotional bomb to someone I Iove.
I've felt cursed ever since I left him to move here...
Moving here, a right choice. Leaving him, a gray area...
Here's hoping this bomb only hurts me...
It's funny... I posted a blog from my commute today without even knowing it was the QotD...
So... Turn the volume up when you watch the clip... That noise is actually the bus' death rattle, that vibrated constantly whenever the bus was paused at a light...
Please don't let me die on a bus... It seems so sad...
Well, the gang is loaded in the car, headed to the theater, & I realize that in the rush to leave my place, where I had finally progressed to the next chapter of Gaiden Black, I had locked myself out yet again.
Now, for those keeping score at home, that makes my 4th lockout since I moved in in June.
We head on to the flick, no sense ruining the fun...
The Dark Knight was just frickin amazing!
It was long, but so good every minute. Every time you thought that was it there was another fight scene.
The Joker was completely & totally an agent of chaos... Perfect.
So... Back home & to my cross-your-fingers & hope this works plan to reclaim my apartment...
So... I leave my window open... The side it opens onto is fenced in & this being Chicago, the building next door is also a fence jump in the way.
The first fence is an electronic gate, which will allow me access to the fence surrounding my window... There's a gap between the frame & gate that I might be able to ninja through... Then I notice a side gap between gate, side, & garage that looks easier...
After sliding through this... Picture: a 2 or 3 ft gap, but an overhang from the garage making you need to bend like an 's'... I clumsily drop to the yard & the first fence is jumped. Yay me, the ninja!
I've been playing a lot of Gaiden Black, which was inspiring, yet daunting, since I am, indeed, not a ninja outside of the game.
The next fence had no such helpful hand & foot holds... I had only the tree that put me at roughly the right height, but bent away from the fence at a easily climbed angle.
I tried quite a few different approaches... The mostly likely being to have my toe jammed into the top of the fence, my other pushing off of the tree, thus vaulting me over the fence & in front of my very own teasingly open window...
Sadly, the same imagination that pictured ninja Ryu vaulting it with a flip, also supplied me with variations on how I might fail...
I leapt over to slam hands first through the glass of my window...
...to smack roughly against the stone wall...
...to impale myself through leg, ass, back, or balls...
After hanging in varying poses of sweaty anticipation, psyching myself up for an increasingly more inescapable, & grisly consequence...
I grudgingly left the neighbor's yard by the front gate.
I felt defeated by my fear, yet suspecting that fear had saved my balls for another day.
I slept on my friend's spare bed & accepted my landlady's suggestions that I hang my keys around my neck with only a twinge of irritation.
Since I'm not a ninja, clearly, the noise they might make would be fine...
What's the popular definition of insanity?
A repeated action with hope of a different outcome?
That seems simple enough, right?
So much of the world is a gray area though...
It's sort of like the butterfly effect (chaos theory).
One little thing... Seemingly innocuous... That slight change to the pattern & all is lost...
What an amazing concept, right? Seems so simple, yet it's all so shaky too...
If I went back & met my father... If I'd only wore blue, his favorite color... Ha! Not my fathers... Shaky seque...
I find I'm always asking myself what I expected, & never having the right answer...
It's one of those gray areas... What I want & expect is even gray...
As long as I'm running on impulse & not something outside of the gray...
How can I expect a discernable difference?
I started with Ninja Gaiden Black... Getting my ass handed to me by evil ninjas...
I chill... Let that game controller fall from my hands... Okay I threw it! The game cheats!! Cheats!
hehe...
So...maybe I don't lose so well...
I bought a 6pack...relaxed... Watched a flick I like, then went to the local GB (gay bar) for double pints...
Now... Here I am... 2AM...
What next?
So... I'm lying in bed reading the 3rd installment of Maximum Ride by James Patterson...when I'm struck by munchies...
My local 7Eleven closes between 2 & 3AM for cleaning... Tonight it was closed when I got there at 1:45...
So I slogged another block & a half to the next one, also mysteriously closed...
More enduring of rain to go to the next one, another 2 blocks...
Then nothing sounded good so I grabbed a pepsi & some combos...
Stupid urges... Hehe
Recently it has become a white-out zone with my BFF.
He's been getting more serious with this guy he's been seeing.
Now... I'm happy if BFF is happy. I want him to find love & the whole fairytale shebang.
However... It is in major violation of the basic friend codes to stop answering or returning calls.
Bros before hos!
Honeymooning alone time sure...
But radio silence??
I should have zoomed in... But this is a pic of some street preachers who came to Pride to save our damned souls.
It was the usual Hell & damnation... Repent & see that Jesus loves & saves, but NOT unconditionally...
I liked seeing a group of sign-wavers that had insulated the group of preachers. These people had made signs that were pro-gay. They simply stood & hooted & harrahed to drown out the incessant damning & shining offers of salvation.
We went & hugged them to show our support, then stood & made drowning noise of our own for a while.
That just felt so much better than arguing with someone.
One preacher did say something that caught my ear though. "An open-minded person is a convictionless chameleon."
I found myself mulling that one over...
I keep thinking how amazing it must feel to see & act in absolutes, when the world I live in is based in grays.
I don't agree with him, but a part of me envies his surety.
That's how I feel tonight... Jazzed...plugged in...Powerful.
I'm sort of snorting like a bull...My cap's down low...hiding my eyes... I feel dangerous...aware... Strangely ready...
It's like the booze has jacked my testerone on high... Everything's a threat & potential target.
This feeling is the true intoxication. It's like instead of feeling confident, I feel male. This kind of savage desire to take...
It feels alien, but I feel sure that I can have what I want... What's strange is that ever-present "what-I-want" is gone.
I'm pure impulse... I feel like a hunter, completely unsure of his prey. So...It's strength without focus...
I feel sort of mad...
What scares me is I like it...
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