46 posts from 2007

I know you don't find love when you're looking for it. You usually recreate the facts around something to make it fit. I've done that, & I'm pretty good at recognizing the signs now... Hehe.
I'm not so much down about not having someone... It's something I'd like to find, but I still mostly believe it'll come along in time.
It's just that I'm not really meeting friends either. I'm turning into a hermit. When I go out to the bar I watch the Tv screen... That's a bad sign, right?
I feel like I'm internalizing too much. That would be fine if I was working on me stuff, but I'm not. I'm just sort of bowing out of the world it seems...
So... I figure I need to find a hobby. Maybe something social so I can meet people...

Pondering what to do...

Well... I was a little drunk last night, huh?
I hope no one takes offense to too much. I'll let the posts stand for now.
It really does make me mad though. Here I am, hoping to meet a nice guy, I do... And he's "not happy" in his "marriage" and gets some on the side.
I really wanted to just make my moral obligations just shut up... Hehe
As you can read though... They were too loud.

Waking...

I'm pissed! That's what it is...
I'm mad! This guy has 15 years... Something I keep dreaming I'll find...& he can toss it away on some fuck he meets in a bar...?
I'm real... I know that's what I am...
He's the best offer I've had in weeks, & he's weighing me against 15 years?!?
This rattles my hope... That's why I'm pissed.
I really do believe in Love & he can just toss it aside... I can't find a date & he can toss 15 years aside for a piece of ass...

I can't! I can't! I just can't!
So... 2 weeks ago I meet this hot guy out... We make-out... Grope... Good to go on all cylinders...
My place is trashed so we agree that he'll call the next day for lunch with "dessert".
He doesn't call... Disappointing, but not my first time at the rodeo, right?
Tonight... All over me again... I play frostbite, looking for the why...
I've been married 15 years... Is the why. He knows I play, he can join, all the BS one expects...
I wanted to be okay with it. He was hot, his husband didn't care, but it was all me...
I cared... It's all I could do...
Yes... I wanted him... His cock, his ass...everything. I even believe his husband knew I was there...
All the same I only wanted to run...
I felt like I was tempting the flames of hell, though we're doomed from the first pole we smoke as I understand most beliefs...
So I ran... I feel good, yet still lost...

Running away...

I just read a post by a guy who was disappointed in dating, & blamed it on the shallowness of men... There's some truth there...
I have only myself to blame however; For I am a pussy.
I feared this to be true, & last night I proved it to myself. There was an attractive guy, clearly giving me the eye & I did nothing.
Leaving the bar I glance inside the taqueria next door, & there he is again. He smiled & gave me a wave.
I kept walking, then berated myself for being a coward. I turned around & went inside, trying to look casual as I placed my order.
Our eyes met several times, but still I pussed out. Then to add to it... His order comes up & he & his two friends sit at the table right next to me.
I wait quietly for my food, then leave without saying anything...
I glance back in the window, & he waves to me. I wave shyly back & go home to eat my quesadilla alone.
This is why I'm single.

Bust a Move!Or be single forever...

I've been spending a lot of time on this personals site. You set-up your profile... Yada yada...
They also have forums... This is the true plus of the site. You can learn a lot about the surface of a guy by what he writes in a profile, & what he doesn't...
In the forums though you can see how he thinks, what he thinks... You see the echo of what he sends out into the world. Even if the topic is silly it can be revealing. More & more I'm thinking of that echo I send out...
Maybe its an age thing, maybe a maturity level I'm orbiting...
I'm feel myself getting more philosophical, & somewhat whimsical even.
This change is not what inspired me for this entry... Instead:
One guy shared something that his recently deceased BF had written, a beautiful message of true optimism
that brought tears to my eyes...
It made me happy that such hope shined out there, such love...
And it made me feel guilty for not writing more myself.
This is strange as I am not an optimist... I hope for the best, but I believe in the odds... That makes me a realist, I think.
Strangely, I'm often worried that people will read this & think poorly of me... Instead, I think I should try to share what he did... A spark of hope that lit in me...

Me:
I'm a guy who enjoys good beer and a game of darts. I like reading a good book, and losing the world around me. I like food that tastes bold, delicious, spicy, cheesy... and I don't care whether it's good for me. I love candy, junkfood, soda, and legos; These are the lingering joys of my childhood. I believe one should retain some to have a good perspective of the world. I can lose a whole day playing a video game I really like. I can be serious when needed, but prefer to be somewhat free-spirited. I think political correctness is creating a world of hyper-sensitive whiners. I think we need a revolution to rock our world out of stagnation. I think life, love, and happiness is really all about the little things. I believe that what you put out into the world echoes who you are. I really like to laugh, and even at my own expense. I can take a simple thought and turn it into a stream-of-conciousness tangent that often makes people laugh. I think that is an important success. I'm gay, I use the euphemism 'pole smoker'. This is important, and a somewhat defining facet of my being, but never the only or greatest facet of who I am.
I don't trust completely easily, but I don't mistrust easily either. I can be opinionated when I decide the facts of a situation, and I rarely do so by hearing only one side. I often lack tact, but rarely sensitivity. I like to try new things, and need to do it more often.
I'm looking to make some good friends to enjoy life with. I would love to meet 'him' as well, but I have a feeling he'll make it eventually... In the interim I may succumb to lust, but usually my hand is enough.
If I sound like someone you'd like to know, or get to know send me a message.

So... Here at the 'mo bar...again...
I'm cruising guys... Guys are cruising me...
And I leave... There are guys I could have tonight... Maybe even tomorrow...
But... I leave... I'll hate that its just me, but I'll leave alone...
Sadly, I still believe there's this guy who i'll meet... The one...the one...
God damn... That sounds so fucking stupid!
it echoes & I want to slap myself.
I'm 31 & I still believe in the Prince Charming myth...
I mean...seriously...I still believe... Its certifiable!
There's a guy who's perfect for me? What am I? Barbie?
I'm confounded, honestly. I'm so cynical, yet I truly believe there's this guy sort of hovering in the ether...waiting for me...
I'm confused now because I don't know whether I'm a cynic or a hopeless romantic...
I didn't think they could be so close to one another...
I'm a cynic... I know I am... Ask my friends...
Yet I believe this guy will walk up to me & i'll fall...

So... I've been sort of silent lately... A mixed bag...
I'm single... I'm gay... I'm 31... it often looks hopeless... Who wants to be the drag? I haven't been depressed exactly... More like a lasting case of the Mondays. Hehe

Coach boots... Undies... Whitey tighties... This is the mess strutting ahead of me...
jeans are sagging... Whitey tighties showing... Little wiggle to the walk. Then the girl's (I assume from the look) coach boots (galoshes?).
then...this is the funny part... Adjusts the tank as if worried the undies show...
WHAT!?
I knew we could pattern a person blind, but this sort of cross-fashions is just silly...
Walk & talk like a dragqueen, gear like a gangsta? That msg is so muddled I'm illiterate...