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Okay... I just had the most twisted & fucked up dream I've ever had...
I was this steroid using freak, who had that Steven Segal hair thing going on, the ponytail...
I met this light-skinned drag-queen who wanted to be a cat. We went back to her place where I fell in love with her dark-skinned brother.
She & I had this sort of S&M sexual relationship, that was mostly verbally abusing one another. The brother & I barely saw one another.
Then we all worked in a grocery together, where I tried to escape.
Then, when caught, I reveal that I had tons of plastic surgery to keep looking good. Only they took the excess skin & pulled it to the center of my body where it was just left in hanging folds that had suppurating sores.
At the end, she had completely been surgically altered to be a cat, & looked like a duracell person up top. She had six nipples, but no one would play with the bottom four.
Then I flshed back to our happier days when I met them. They wrote Irish jingles for Guinness, which I sang in a horrible accent.

How in the hell does a mind create that scenario?
Dude... It must be scary in my head.

5/15/08: Dream Log Drunken Lullaby

I'm excited about the new apartment. It's smaller, which could be problematic...
It feels like a new beginning though. I almost feel as if I'm returning home, thus a fresh slate...
I probably place way too much credence in these sort of feelings. At the same time, I feel I should foster these rare moments of optimism.
I can be cynical... Surprise!
I want to use this as a spring-board. I want to create new habits; Get myself on a path to the future. I'm hoping to be done with waiting for change to find me.

The new digs...

Here I am in the corner again. Where I hide...
There's no one here I want, but I probably came out to want.
Felt like blogging, yet I feel like that said it all...

Another night out...

Sometimes I wonder if gay men are more sexually driven than heterosexual men.
There's the popular belief that men are just procreators... Internally wired to spread our seed. This ideology is admittedly often used to excuse philandering, & polyamorism.
Yet, there are compelling elements to that argument...
I believe that a man should rise above his base emotions. He should see a person & recognize traits outside of his lust.
Yet I would say that 80% of the time... My cock notices a guy more than my brain. Luckily, my brain has the majority vote...
Somehow that feels like hypocrisy...
Cliche alert: 'I'm a visual person'
Yet that's true of sighted people... Logically, in most real-world situations (a steadily out-moded scenario, yet thankfully, strongly viable) the visual aspect is what you first take in of a person. This does not intrensically indicate physicality per se. Body language is huge as a first impression.
I'm kind of wandering topically though...
Lately my lustful urges have been greater... Strangely this is because I've been stressed out about finding a new apartment.
Weird, huh? That's right... My stress response, for some strange reason, is an increased libido.
It's passed... I've found a new place...
It just has me thinking... How does that become a conditioned response?
I've used sex as a security blanket in the past, a remnant of low self-esteem... Is it some sort of development stemming from that?
Or am I simply looking for the release of orgasm?
It does have a way of making worries fade though, right?
Maybe I should just embrace it & stress more...

Gay lust Why stress?

So... I made it to a FNM night & became intrigued by some 20-something guy spouting off about his personal ideology.
That's the age of ideology right? A time when the world's knowledge is so readily available, & so easily interpreted by the collegiate mind.
He had some interesting ideas too.
He felt that homosexuality was a sexual disorder, & compared it to having A.D.D. He believed that if we could get over the stigma of its inherent sexual dealings, & the ongoing fight for gay rights, then we could perhaps come to a point where it's treatable.
Now, I have to give him that it was less offensive than some anti-gay arguments...
I won't rehash our short discussion here, but I will comment on my opinion of his outlook.
I don't think homosexuality is a disorder.
Duh, right? No way you saw a gay dude thinking that...
Yet... I want more than just sex with a man. I'm not a psychologist so maybe I'm wrong.
It seems to me though that a person suffering a sexual disorder would be pretty fixated on the sexual aspect.
I like to have sex, my libido is in fine shape, but I want more. I want beyond that small portion of a relationship.
I love. I want love. That doesn't seem like a disorder.

Lust vs. Logic... Fighting the 'GAY'

So... I was just looking through the craigslist men seeking men ads...
Hey! Don't judge.
Stop here, as this post may be overly graphic adult...
I get the desire to fuck without a condom. It feels great. It's so in the now. Of course people get tempted...
I'm not going to enter a lecture mode about safe sex... I've given in to the dark side on occasion, & guiltily took the test afterward. I'm not able to claim innocence. It's not in my nature to deny my transgressions anyway.
I'm an over-sharer... Hence, this post...
What has me just shuddering with revulsion, is the title of this post. I've seen it in quite a few posts tonight...
This mentality of being used... The guys who write that in an ad... Breed me & seed me...
They offer (I'll assume they are picky-ish) to be bent over & waiting for the guy coming over. 'Fuck me & go.'
Now... Sex is just sex. I separate sex from making love. There is a distinction to be made.
Yet... This is less...
I just fail to understand placing no self-worth in what you bring to it. To give of yourself so freely that it has absolutely no meaning...
Is that ultruism, or is it shame?

That's a starless city sky... Such a bleak view. It feels closed in; I feel closed in...
I want something to change... I want to round a corner into tomorrow... Yet today continues on...
This entry lacks cheer... Feel free to skip it...
I go out to the bars... BT tonight... Searching for a connection, lying if I claim otherwise.
I don't want to be that 30 something guy that claims its all so superficial. He's boring, he's bitter, & even if he's right who wants to hear that?
Its a weird place to be... Living in the real world, & gazing back into the fairy-tale...
I'm willing to grab tomorrow, yet it feels like more today... Why move on when the next step feels like the same path?

And so I wonder...

Look at my cheerful 'off to work' face.
I'm ready for my day off tomorrow. Though I'll be spending the better part of it apartment hunting. I'm ready to be done with this whole move thing for another year at least... Hehe.
Clean slate & all that...
Now, if only I could find a new job...

Off to Work...

So...
I love the palm Centro. It does all the things I require... And those are whims really...
My first had volume issues. I thought it was just one of those things... The phone does everything, but the volume sucks. Some phones give up reception quality to amp the bells & whistles. I get that.
Only, I had to DL a nifty program to boost my volume, but even that had to be jacked to the highest. And still I strained to hear the person on the other end.
Then... The phone decided to switch to hands-free randomly on its own without my knowledge. That was too much.
I took it to Sprint tech support. They said it was a build-up of lint from pocket carrying. They blew it out, it worked fine. I figured they were right...
Two months later, maybe less... Hey, did you just go hands-free again?
Return to tech-support...
Ta-da!
I got a new Centro the next day, paid for by Sprint.
My first call... Half-volume I heard the other person clearly... Still testing though...

So...
Here I am, waiting in line to see The Runes. Shaun gave me a free pass. We were supposed to go together, but he didn't feel up to it.
I called a couple of peeps, but it's just me...
Mucho peeps waiting.

The Runes Free Sneak Pre-view